Beavis & Butt-Head Quotes

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Hey, this sucks! I want 'em too!

Well...huhhh huhh huh...here they...could you repeat the question?...huhhh huhh
oh yeah...here they are!

"Have you ever noticed that Madonna is always masturbating during her videos?"
"Heh, hem, yeah, so am I.""
Beavis & Butthead

"Whoa. Is this like the weather channel?"
"Yeah, eh heh heh, the forecast is partially cool."
Beavis & Butthead

"This is Joey Buttafuoco's theme song."
Beavis & Butthead (about Winger's "She's only 17")

"These guys are cool - for a bunch of mimes."
Beavis & Butthead (about Kiss)

"Drums, guitar and Death. They finally got it right."
Beavis & Butthead

"Bootsie!"
"Yeah, Bootsie's cool. Huh, huhhuhuh."
"Bootsie! He's from outer space. Heh, henh, henh, henh."
Beavis & Butthead

"Tattoos are cool."
"Yeah, I wish I was born with one."
"You're not born with tattoos, dumbass. You get them when you join the navy."
Beavis & Butthead

"Is this satanic music?"
"Naw. It's not cool enough."
Beavis & Butthead (about "Devil Inside" by INXS)

"I like to blow up lizards."
"Eh heh heh, yeah. And I like to burn things."
Beavis & Butthead

"Skulls are cool" - Butthead

"The future sucks. Change it."
"I'm way cool Beavis, but I cannot change the future."
Beavis & Butthead

"Beavis, I thought you were daddie's little cutie."
"Shut up Bunghole!"
Beavis & Butthead (while watching Aerosmith's Ragdoll)

"That's not funny, dumbass!"
Beavis & Butthead

"These guys are pretty cool - even though they're sixty."
Beavis & Butthead (about Aerosmith)

"I don't like video's that suck"
Beavis & Butthead

"I'm there dude."
Beavis & Butthead

"Hey Beavis. Guess where his hand's been."
Beavis & Butthead (about Germaine Jackson's video)

"You're a man? Eh heh heh, I don't think so."
"He's not even a boy."
Beavis & Butthead (about Boy George video)

"Calm down Beavis. You're gonna soil your drawers."
Beavis & Butthead

"Where's the explosion?"
"They never show the good stuff."
Beavis & Butthead

"Whoa! It's the President of England!"
"Yeah, she jams!"
Beavis & Butthead (About Queen Elizabeth II)

"Whoa! We're there dude."
Beavis & Butthead

"Hey Beavis, let's pretend we're dead."
"Yeah, eh heh heh, that would be cool."
Beavis & Butthead

"Look, I'm strokin' my weiner."
Beavis & Butthead

"These chicks look like guys."
"Yeah. That one's not wearin' a bra."
Beavis & Butthead (about Nelson)

"Hey Butthead, do you think I'm beautiful?"
Beavis & Butthead

"If you're not a cartoon,
Stove gass will kill you."
Beavis & Butthead (Disclaimer)

"College music sucks!"
"Yeah. I guess it's only cool, if you, like, go to college."
Beavis & Butthead

"Everything I know, I learned from my Dad."
"Yeah. Me too."
"Really? You both have the same dad?"
"We don't know. It's possible."
Beavis & Butthead

"Hey Beavis, let's rock!"
Beavis & Butthead

"I wish this video had some explosions."
"That would be cool."
Beavis & Butthead

"I wish this video had some explosions. That would be cool."
"Heh heh henh hmm heh. It does have some explosions. Heh henh hmm."
"Faries grant wishes. Huh huh heh huh hunh."
Beavis & Butthead

"Hey Beavis."
"What?"
"Your butt's weird lookin'."
"Shut up!"
"Heh huh, kinda looks liek baloney."
"Shut up!"
Beavis & Butthead

"He's smiling at you, Beavis."
"Shut up, Butthead!"
Beavis & Butthead (about George Michael in Wham video)

"I hate words."
"Words suck."
"If I wanted to read, I'd go to school."
Beavis & Butthead

"Hammers are cool."
"Yeah, I like to take hammers, and just break stuff, just break stuff."
Beavis & Butthead

"She beat her carpet."
"Yeah, we should do that."
"Yeah. It looks cool."
Beavis & Butthead

"He's got a hair stiffie!"
Beavis & Butthead

"I peed in the gym once."
"Really? Yer pretty cool Beavis."
Beavis & Butthead

"Hey Butthead, what is teenspirit?"
"You mean you don't know. Dude, then I'm not gonna tell you."
Beavis & Butthead

"This chainsaw is pretty cool. Pruning is cool."
Beavis & Butthead

"It's that dude! The Grim Rapper!"
Beavis & Butthead

"Rock! Rock dude!"
Beavis & Butthead

"If you play this stuff backwards, it says 'This sucks!'"
Beavis & Butthead

"His teeth are whiter than white."
Beavis & Butthead (about the lead singer for Winger)

"This is like a James Bond movie."
"Yeah. They need that short guy, HandJob."
"Heh heh heh, you said 'Job'."
Beavis & Butthead

"Is this like an Irish Spring Commercial?"
"A might bit stronger than I care to be!"
Beavis & Butthead

"Ah, such a manly soap!"
"Ah, manly yes! But Beavis likes it too! Heh heh heh eh he heh heh heh!"
"Shut up Bunghole! I'll kick yer ass!"
"Heh heh heh eh eh eh heh heh heh"
"Shut up, dumb ass!"
Beavis & Butthead

"You callin' me a liar?"
"No ass-munch, I'm callin' you a waste of bum wipe."
Beavis & Butthead

"Hey, we could get Butthead to sit on a glass and fart."
"What's so scientific about that?"
"Nothin'. Until you light it."
Beavis & Butthead

"The angle of the dangle is adversely proportional to the heat of the beat."
"Whoaaa! You're pretty smart, Beavis."
Beavis & Butthead

"You asswipe! I was about to have a wet dream!"
Beavis & Butthead

"Uhh, I have an injury."
"You do?"
"Yeah, I have this great big crack in my butt."
Beavis & Butthead

"He complains too much."
"You'd complain too if you sucked!"
Beavis & Butthead

"Today we're going to explore the world of hiku."
"We're going to explore the world of getting high? Cool!"
"No, beavis, not *high* *cool*, hiku--the haunting japanese form of 3
line poetry."
Beavis & Butthead

"That was cool, huh huh
when we killed that frog, huh huh
it won't croak again."
Butthead's Hiku for class

"Huh huh, huh huh huh
huh huh mmm, uh huh huh huh
huh huh, huh huh huh.
Beavis' Hiku for class

"Very good! You both get A's for the day."
Beavis and Butthead:

"Anything?"
"Nope."
"Are you sure you're lickin' right? uhuhuh."
"Uhuhuh, yeah."
"I don't get, it supposed to pack an awesome buzz."
"Ptui! Hmmmmm, tastes like chicken. Here toadie, toadie."
Beavis & Butthead

"Are you the boys that spray-painted my dog?"
"Uh, no, that was some other guys, huh huh."
Beavis & Butthead

"Are your shakes real or are they made from shake mix?"
"Yeah, heh heh hmmh heh heh"
"I asked you a question, are they real or shake mix?"
"Yeah, heh heh hmmh heh heh"
"Look, where's your manager?"
"Uh, huh huh, I'm an assistant manager."
"I asked a simple quesiton, are your shakes real or made from shake mix?"
"Uh, we have vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry."
Beavis & Butthead

"Uh... it's like free, I guess."
"Heh heh, He's gonna eat a fried mouse."
"And bugs."
"And he's coming back later!"
"I know where there's a dead racoon!"
Beavis & Butthead

"I hate when mimes get in your face and don't say anything."
"Yeah, I usually kick them in the 'nads and they say something.
Usually it's ooh...unh...aahh."
Beavis & Butthead

"Try the morphine, it's excellent today."
Beavis & Butthead

"Okay boys, what do you have under your clothes?"
"Wouldn't you like to know."
Beavis & Butthead

"Is he talking about humping a hound? Huh huhuhuh huh."
"Heheh henh henh hmm heh. Yeah, that'd be cool. Heh heh hmm henh."
"It would?"
Beavis & Butthead

Background: (flush of a toilet)
"Butthead! Butthead! Come quick! Bare ass on TV!!"
Beavis & Butthead

"Trunks are cool. I wish I had a trunk."
"Yeah. You could, like, fill a balloon with snot and throw it at someone."
"Yeah, and it would get in their hair and get all sticky and they couldn't
get it out."
"Let's go buy some balloons, dude."
Beavis & Butthead

"I wonder how Axl Rose would feel if he got his ass kicked by a couple
of 14 year olds."
"Yeah, that would really suck. Getting your asses kicked by Kris Kross. Heh
Hehheh, henh hmm, heh, heh."
Beavis & Butthead

"ruhruhruhruhrurhruhruhruhruhruhruhruhruhruhruh!!!!!!"
"Rurhruhruhruhruhruhruhruhruhruhruhruhruhrurh!!!!!!"
Beavis & Butthead (Butthead trying to sing Ministry's "NWO")

"Hey look, he's wearin' a drive-thru headset! Maybe he works at BurgerWorld!"
"(picks up phone) Uhh, hello? I'll take a quarter pounder and a dozen chicks
in tight shorts to go, please."
"Heh hehehehhehehheheheh heheheh."
"(simultaneously) huh huh huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh huhuh."
Beavis & Butthead

"Mr. Buzzcut! Mr. Buzzcut!"
"Yes, Butthead?"
"I can't do this assignment. I'm dietetic."
Beavis & Butthead

"We don't know how to take care of a baby."
"Let's give it a bath."
"I'm gonna slap you around like a red-headed step child."
"Uh oh..."
"You drowned it."
"We'll never get to see it grow up."
Beavis & Butthead

"And so it is with utmost regret that I must report that our baby
was stolen by gypsies in the night."
"Yeah, sorry about that. Heh heh."
Beavis & Butthead

**sighs** I didn't have any ideas for quotes, so, erm, **erlack, erlack** here are some I got from Slashtastic...

Steve (when asked how they got to #1): I think it's all cone... look at that face! Take a picture of this face, please. Who wouldn't fall in love with that?


Question: Stevo, you and Deryck seem to be major sex maniacs - about how many times a day/week do you have sex?
Steve: With each other? I'd say about a baker's dozen.


VJ: You don't know your vaginas very well.
Steve: No, I've never actually seen a vagina.

Steve: We call him Cone cause he tastes good when you lick him.

Deryck (on Treble Charger): Our first tour bus ever was with them - we shared it. I actually had to share a bunk with Bill.
Steve: Yah, I did that too. We alternated, it was Bill's rule.
Deryck: Well we didn't HAVE to.
VJ: Did he snore?
Steve: No, he was a calm sleeper.
Deryck: Yah.
Steve: A very calm sleeper. Very warm and cuddly.

Steve (looking at a German teen-mag in which there are pics of naked teens): Look at that dick, dude! It's fucking HUGE!
Deryck: You'd like to have it up your ass, huh?
Steve: Yeah, that would be great!


Deryck: Cone always seems to look good in his clothes.

PC: You've been on the road with Blink 182.
Dave: Yeah, Tom tried to get into Cone's bunk one night and rape him. It was funny. I was in my bunk with my curtain closed. It was like three in the morning and Tom comes on our bus and starts going "where's Cone, where's Cone". Someone says "he's in that one". So he reaches in and he's going "Cone, Cone, come on" and Cone's going "Tom, fuck OFF. Tom STOP". And I'm looking out of my bunk and I'm going "what's going on" and Tom has got his head in Cone's bunk and he's going "Cone don't fight me, Cone I want it". It sounded just like that. It was funny.

Question: You guys used to wear fun cowboy get-ups on stage, what happened to that?
Steve: Ye used to wear fun cowboy get-ups?
Deryck: When was that?
Steve: Yeah, that was actually when we were working at a strip club called "The Crazy Horse" actually, it was "Crazy Stallions".
Cone: Yeah, we were male strippers - it was all a strip tease.
Deryck: Yeah, I used to work at a strip club, thats where I met these guys.
Steve: Guys are really good tippers, that's how I met him, he gave me a lap dance - yowza yowza.
Cone: He gave me a hooter shooter.
Steve: He gave me a smoker.

Steve (to Cone): You have a...
Cone: A booger?
Steve: No a big black thing in your tooth right there.
Cone: Probably a nut.
Steve: Not my nut.

Steve: What drives me insane is looking at Cone's face day after day... always on the bus! Never changing! I'm only kidding. That's the only thing that keeps me together. I love Cone.


VJ: So you guys hooked up with Will Sasso.
Steve: Yah.
Dave: Well, we didn't HOOK UP with him.
Steve: Cone did.
Deryck: Yah, that's why he's not here.

Steve: Too many nuts! I never thought I'd hear myself say those words.

Deryck: We won't deny our metal roots, we've come out the closet. Cone's done that in more ways than one...

Steve: Cone's quiet, but he's a smart character - an attractive young man.

Steve: The club holds about 300 people and rumour has it that there will be plenty of sweaty dudes there, so naturally Deryck is very excited.

Steve: How many of you like Cone? I love Cone.
Cone: You're my favourite now.
Steve: Why are we so far apart? We should be sitting together.

Steve: Tonight I took Dave out on a date to see a movie.

Dave: We were all very close friends in high school, so...
Deryck: VERY close.
Steve: Maybe too close.

Greg from Treble Charger (on sum 41): I took them away from their mommies and turned them into REAL men.

Steve: Deryck loves to wear silk thongs. He's all about the silk thongs.

The Vandals (on sum 41): We taught them how to masturbate. It was really sad before.

Interviewer: Do you ever wake up some mornings in your tour bus and think, "I can't believe I'm doing this?"
Steve: What, you mean when we wake up, roll over and say "I can't believe we just did that?" Well, it's all Deryck's fault, any way.


Benji (in a chatroom, when asked where Joel is): Up my ass... literally.

Benji on TRL: If you have a boyfriend you can bring him too... we could do it that way.

Benji when accused of having 'relations' with Joel: I just like to keep it in the family.


Benji: You know who else likes makin' out? Sum 41. I know from firsthand experience. Or, my friend does...

Benji: Black nailpolish didn't come with testosterone.

Benji: This is a sweet song, it's for the guys of MXPX. Cuz one night, I was having a real tough night, one of the guys from MXPX invited me on his bus. He helped me out a lot, yeah, he held me all night.

Tony: What's the deal with me and Benji? We're very happy, we're engaged. He's faithful... I think he's faithful.
Jeremiah: I'm just a spectator. I watch from the sidelines.
Tony: Jere just watches and jerks off. Benji blows on Jere's asshole, while I fuck him from behind and cup his balls. It's a good time.

Some guy: I love you!
Joel: We love you too.
Benji: We'll give you our room number later.

Pierre (from Simple Plan): That was fuckin' awesome, man. You do that again and I'll fuck you hard tonight!
Joel: You guys have been in the studio too long. When I was in the studio and we were doin' our first record, we'd be sounding so delirious, we'd be like "You do that take one more time and I'll just lick your balls, man." It's only gay if you swallow!

Billy: Benji likes to match his hair with his underwear and we caught him in a pink thong once. We videotaped it.

Is there anything you wouldn't do for your brother?
Benji: Lend him money to buy another Star Wars toy. Other than that I'd do anything. C'mon, I got his name tattooed on me.
Joel: I'd do anything for him.

Benji: I'll wear Joel's socks and he'll be like "Dude, dude, I told you not to wear them... dude, dude, I told you not to wear my socks, dude! you know that I like my socks! Benj, dude, are those my boxers too?" ... we're in the studio, and i'm asking "what should we do?, it's like a really important song, a really important part... what do you think we should do?" ... "I don't care... are those my boxers? dude!?!?"


Mainstream: In a band riot, which band would fight the dirtiest and who would come out triumphant between Mest, Good Charlotte and Sugarcult?
Jeremiah: Are we talking about getting in a huge fight?
Matt: Airin knows kung fu!
Jeremiah: Are we talking weapons and shit though?
Matt: I think about half of the people in all three of those bands are gay. So a lot of kissing would go on, yeah a lot of kissing and touching of buttocks and stuff. And I'm not really violent so I would sit back and watch everyone make out.
Tony: I would have a boner the whole time!
Jeremiah: I would lick a lot of butts; I'm a butt licker.
Matt: I would probably just sit back and masturbate the whole time.
Jeremiah: I would jack off in Benji and Joel's face.
Tony: I would suck a lot of fingers, it's weird, but it's true.


Joel: It's like a marriage. The whole band is like a marriage, but me and Benji especially.

Tony (from Mest) on Benji: He's on TV a lot, so I get jealous because I know a lot of other dudes want him... but, you know, whatever man, they ain't got shit on me.

Benji: "Hey, I like big guys, OK?"
Joel (with a big grin): "Yeah, he does..."


Benji: One time me and him (meaning Steve from Sum 41) prank called Joel and he pretended he was a girl and Joel got all excited cause girls never call him. And it was really funny.
Joel: That was you guys?
Benji: Sorry.
Joel: But... we had phone sex!


Benji (after a sex scene) to Joel: "How did you like that scene there, brother?"

Joel (during a contest where girls were diving through bins of little foam popcorn): "Hey thats kinda like, like Benji in the bathtub."
Benji: "And you would know that, how?"

Benji: "I dont think there is anything wrong with being feminine..."
Joel: "Benj, they should call YOU feminine..."

Joel: "Benj... rock YOUR body."

Well, Daria quotes for all!!

"Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else." -Daria

"Shallow graves for shallow people." -Jane

Jane: We should be doing something right now. I'm sure of it.
Daria: Yeah, I think you're right.

"I have no friends. I walk alone." -Jane

Mr. O'Neill: Right here and now, let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality.
Daria: You mean the one where people walking down the street burst into flames?

Trent: Do you ever feel like you're wasting your life, Daria?
Daria: Only when I'm not sleeping.

"How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?" -Daria

Quinn: Don't worry, it's fake.
Daria: Aw, you got a tattoo to match your personality.

"I don't like fun." -Daria

"I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint, anyway." -Daria

"Good. I was feeling too dry." -Daria (as it starts to rain)

"We are now entering Hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car." -Daria

Jane: He wanted you to watch your birth? That could scar you for life.
Daria: The birth itself did that.

"You are now entering Lawndale: IQ limits strictly enforced." -Daria

"My goal is not to wake up at 40 with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life in a job I hate because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens. " -Daria, asked what she wants to do with her life.

Jake:"See those berries? That's our breakfast! See that stream? That's our drinking water!"
Daria:"See that skeleton? That's our future."
-From "The Teachings Of Don Jake."

Daria:"I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint anyway."
-From "The Daria Hunter."

Jane:"He wanted you to watch your birth? That could scar you for life."
Daria:"The birth itself did that."
-From "Monster."

Willow:"You have a very old soul."
Daria:"It just looks mature for its age."
-From "That Was Then, This Is Dumb."

Quinn:"But you can't leave me here with those...those yuppies!"
Daria:"Yuppies Are From The 80's."
Quinn:"So what do you call those people with funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?"
Daria:"Trekkies."
-From "That Was Then, This Is Dumb."

Brittany:"Come on! Let's play a word game!"
Jodie:"How about geography?"
Kevin:"Nah, you have to know stuff for that. How about Monopoly?"
Mack:"Monopoly's not a word game."
Kevin:"I know that. Can I be the Racing Car?"
-From "The Daria Hunter."

Mr. O'Neill:"You know what they say: A spoonfull of sugar helps the medicine go down!"
Jane:"Not if you're diabetic."
-From "Arts 'n' Crass."

Quinn: "Please? You're the only person I can trust to do this! I can tell by your eyes..."
Ronny: "Really?"
Quinn: "Yeah! They're so... sincere!"
Ronny: "Well..."
Quinn: "And your face, it's very... honest! You're so nice, and dependable, and-"
Ronny: "Nice? Sincere? You're never gonna go out with me, are you?"
Quinn: "No."
-From "Pinch Sitter."

Daria:"But if I babysat for you, then technically I'd be doing you a favor. And that simply cannot be."
-From "Pinch Sitter."

Jake:"Won't this camping trip be fun, Daria?"
Daria:"Yeah. Almost as fun as drowning."
-From "The Teachings Of Don Jake."

"Do you think I complain too much?" "What are you whining about now?" - Daria and Tom

"The breadsticks were stale...really stale...bad breadsticks...ew." - Jane regarding her date with Tom

"That's not...it couldn't be...ewwwwww!" - Jake

"If I stand really still I can hear it laughing at me!" - Jake regarding his parasite

"But Jake, you don't know a thing about the Internet." "Oh, but I'm an expert on cardboard!?" "Mom, Dad's bragging, again." - Helen, Jake, and Daria discuss Jake's job situation


"Sandy! Ew!" - Tiffany

"This toaster's really shiny..." - Tiffany

"That is sooo wrong" - Tiffany

"Eeeeaaaaahhhhhh!" - Brittany's oh-so-recognizable s

Daria: I had to resign from Yearbook. It was a question of ethics.
Helen: Again?
Jake: Don't worry, she was on staff for a week, she can still put it on her college application.
Daria: No questions about ethics here.


Daria: Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth.


Brittany: Come on, let's play a word game!
Jodie: How about geography?
Kevin: Nah, you have to, like, know stuff for that. What about Monopoly?
Mack: Monopoly's not a word game.
Kevin: I know that. Can I be the racing car?


Helen: Of course, it isn't easy raising two teenagers all by yourself....with Jake.


Helen: Jake, tell Daria....
Jake: Oh my God, I forgot to fix that loose floorboard, way at the other end of the house.


Daria: That's the road to happiness and personal satisfaction. That's why they don't want you to take it.


Jane: Let me get this straight. You, Jake, Helen, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like, in the woods-camping?
Daria: I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.
Jane: I do envy you.
Daria: Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed.


Jake: See that stream? That's our drinking water! See those berries? That's our breakfast!
Daria: See that skeleton? That's our future. (Pause) Made you look.


Jake: Look at that Daria, a fork in the road. If you go one way, you can't go the other!


Helen: Girls, have you seen your father's spirit animal? He was just telling it about his childhood when it jumped up and scampered off!


Daria: Dammit! It's my turn to say dammit!


Daria: It must be the berries.
Quinn: It couldn't have been the berries.
Daria: You're right. You ate the berries and you seem normal.
Quinn: No, not those berries! The glitter berries.
Daria: The glitter berries?
Quinn: You know. Those glitter berries! The ones that fill your mouth with beautiful sparkling glitter when you bite down on them! Those are the ones that make you act weird! I mean until you spread your shimmering wings and fly away!


Trent: So let's just walk in, and meet them head on. They're not going to intimidate us.
Jane: No way. Hey, I think I left my inflight magazine back there.
Trent: We better go get it.


Andrea: Aren't you a little worried that there might be a hell?


Quinn: I mean, I like being attractive and popular, it's, like, me okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everybody else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back to her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back and pretty soon it'll be, like, one of those vicious things! Where will it end, Daria? Where will it end?


Dr. Shar: It puts a frown on my face and I don't like having a frown on my face.
Daria: Maybe you can inject collagen into your lips in the shape of a smile.


Daria: So, first she tells Quinn that she can fix her up for 6,000 dollars.
Jane: Miss Pert 'N' Pretty? What could she possibly need for 6 G's other than a new personality?
Daria: Wait, there's more. Then she announces for 20 grand she can fix me, which means she can make me look like Quinn.
Jane: What would you want to look like that loser for, she needs 6,000 dollars worth of plastic surgery.


Dr. Shar: Come on, it'll be fun.
Daria: I don't like fun.


Quinn: You could, like, see her brain. At least that's what Tiffany heard from Doug who heard it from Brenda, whose cousin works in the emergency room.
Daria: At another hospital. In Belgium.


Quinn: But I can't cancel all my other dates! I have to stick to my commitments. Besides, I wrote them down in pen.


Daria: But if I baby-sat for you, then technically I'd be doing you a favor. And that simply cannot be.


Daria: I don't like kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid.


Jane: I used to help with my sister Summer's kids. Till they got old enough to run away.


Jane: And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state that would recognize the marriage as legal.


Quinn: People are so weird!
Daria: Some are weird. Some are just astonishingly self-centered and deceitful.


Mr. DiMartino: Can anyone give me another example of a group using coercive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and social isolation to achieve control over it's members? Brittany?
Brittany: Cheerleading?
Mr. DiMartino: Ah, Brittany. Sometimes, despite a total lack of insight, you stumble on an interesting answer.


Daria: Okay, you can drop the angel act.
Tricia: What do you mean?
Tad: Is it time to floss yet?


Daria: Raisins?
Tad: Raisins are nature's candy.
Daria: Then why do they have to cover them with chocolate to sell them at the movies?


Tricia: Sugar is bad.
Tad: Sugar rots your teeth.
Tricia: Sugar makes you hyper.
Tad: Hitler ate sugar.


Miss Barch: Excellent job, Daria. You get an A.
Kevin: All right!
Miss Barch: Not you, you man. You get a D.
Kevin: All right!


Quinn: How will I hold my head up in the fashion club?
Daria: A traction pulley?


Kevin: All right! Field trip! Where we going, man?
Daria: The field.
Kevin: Cool!


Kevin: Mack Daddy, did you hear what Mrs. B just called the mall?
Mack: She said organism, that's not the same as orgasm!
Daria: If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says--imagine all the people, browsing in a mall. Isn't that weird?


Mr. O'Neill: Let's all work together to make Daria's dream a reality.
Daria: You mean the one where people walking down the street burst into flames?


Jane: Do you know CPR, or something?
Daria: No, but I once gave Quinn the heimlich maneuver.
Jane: Did it work?
Daria: She wasn't choking.


Jane: Usually when I have this dream, I'm wearing pink taffeta.


Jane: I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special.


Daria: Don't worry, I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else.


Daria: Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together. Something that'll really make them suffer.


Jake: How's the old self-esteem going, kiddo?
Daria: My self-esteem teacher says that being addressed all my life as child epithets like "kiddo" is probably the source of my problem.
Jake: Really?
Daria: No.


Daria: He says I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child, and replicate them. But I suppose Quinn's here to stay.


Brittany: The Tell-Tale Heart? I love romance novels!
Daria: Yeah. Nothing says be mine like a pounding heart beneath a floor board.

"Two nights ago, I was taking a walk at night, and this little chihuahua started following me!!! GODD**IT!! It knew!! I ran, and finally lost it, and made it home!!! But it KNEW!! IT KNEWWWW!!"

"What is this?!"

"DID THE DOG SEND YOU?!"

"No!! I'm just doing a survery! Honest!!!"

"Oh. Okay. So whaddaya wanna know?!"

--Nny and the survery guy


"You will not sink my cheerio!!"

--Happy Noodle Boy


"I'll show you wacky!! I'LL SHOW YOU WACKEEEEEE!!!"

--Nny


"My eyes!! I can't see my eyes!!"

--Dude in Taco-Smell (or whatever that resturant was called...)


Yeah. I guess I was lazy and just got some quotes from Jessica...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The blood of an Invader flows through my veins! It's like... pants!" -Invader Zim


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


GIR: [eyes light up red, stands up, saluting Zim.] GIR, reporting for
duty!

ZIM: [confused] GIR? What does the "G" stand for?

GIR: [eyes turn blue] I don't know. [his tongue hangs out. Zim stares
at him. Suddenly, GIR begins punching himself in the head, screaming
stupidly.] Weeee-hee-hee-hoo! Weeee-hee-hee-hee-hoo! [the screaming and
punching continue in the background, as Zim tries to think of a way to
put his question.]

ZIM: Um.....is it supposed to be stupid?

TALLEST 2: It's not stupid...it's ADVANCED! [GIR has begun to bounce on
his head, screaming still. They snicker as the scene zooms out.]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Now it's time to sign the DOOM song!! Doom, doom, dom, doom......" says Gir.
[six months later]"Doom, doom, doom..."


Gir: I loveded you piggy, I LOVEDED YOU!!!
Gir: Aw! Your to smart for me!! Keif was planning a party for you cause he loves you! HE LOVES YOU! THAT KID LOVES YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!
Gir: I'm making the cake!
Gir: BUUUUURRRRRRIIIIITOOOOOS!!!!
Gir: You are no commander, you are a threat to the mission! Your methods are stupid, your intellegence is stupid, your progress has been STUPID! For the sake of the mission, you must be terminated!
Gir: Hes gettin' eaten by a shark.
Gir: Aw, I wanna watch the scary monkey show!
~Zim
Zim: I am a normal human worm baby!
Zim: Eh?!
Zim: Yes yes, thats fascinating.
Zim: Dumb like a moose dib, dumb like a moose!!!
Zim: I need these moneys for my nutritions!
~DIB
Dib: Deep down I'm balonga?
Dib: Thats just stupid.
Dib: Im not gonna sit back and watch the things he do!
Dib: You were just aliens though
Dib: I do not have a big head!
~ Gaz
Gaz: Things he do?! WHATS YOUR PROBLEM?!
Gaz: Your weirder then usuall...
~ Tak
Tak: Birds sing, and, YOUR GONNA PAY!
Tak: Mimmy!
~ Misc.
Marzoid: Hello pilot, How ya doin?
Zim: Gir hold onto something!* gir holds himself*
Purple Tallest: Where was I? Oh yeah! HUH!? HUH!?
Purple(again): Its advanced.
Purple(again!!): And these "humans", they're tall, yet stupid?

“Taste me Gaz! I’m delicious!” -Dib



“No one should be this Delicious!” –Dib



“By the way, it’s not called parent-teacher night. It’s called Zim-doom-parent, Zim-doom-zimmy-doom night. Hehehe. Watch out for that puppy.” –Dib



“It’s really hard to want to chase somebody who smells that bad.” –Dib



“COME BACK! You’re not a freak! You’re just STUPID!’ –Dib



“Am I the only one seeing the alien sitting in class?” –Dib



“You can’t hide forever! And if you can, then I’ll wait forever! I’ve been preparing for this day all my life! Okay… I’m gonna go home now and prepare some more… but I’ll be back!” –Dib



“This is no GAME! This is my LIFE!” –Dib



“You’re launching your enemies into space?! THAT’S THE PLAN?! This is crazy!” –Dib



“I will destroy you.” –Gaz



"If you want to keep all your limbs, Zim, you will put me down. You will put me down now." –Gaz



“Duh! To make room for Tuna!” –GIR



“Where are my walnuts?” –GIR



“Yay! I’m gonna be sick!” –GIR



“Why?! Why my piggy? I loved you piggy! I loved you…” –GIR



“I love this show.” –GIR



“Can I be a mongoose dog?” -GIR



“Where’d the last piggy go?” –GIR



“Why did you draw that?” –Invader Lort



“The only guy who ever escaped, never made it out.” –Mall Guy who slept on the Job



“There’s a pigeon on you head. You’ve got head pigeons. Get the nurse before it spreads to the other children!” –Ms. Bitters



“To celebrate over crowding in school, a new student will be joining the class.” –Ms. Bitters



“When you were my students, I said you’d amount to nothing. And I was right. You’re NOTHING!” –Ms. Bitters



“Not now son! I’m making…. TOAST!” –Professor Membrane



“And what country is the little green boy from?” –Professor Membrane



“Everything is lasers with you! I’m telling you smoke machines are what the people really –AHHH!” –Purple Tallest



“Shouldn’t you be frying something?” –Purple Tallest



“You should have tried harder.” –Purple Tallest



“It’s not stupid, it’s advanced.” –Purple Tallest



“Let’s give a big cheer to Invader Zim for being so far away.” –Red Tallest



“Just cause I didn’t lock it it’s my fault it was unlocked?!”- Stupid green-eyed alien



“Invaders blood marches through my veins, like giant radioactive rubberpants! The pants command me! Do not ignore my veins!” -Zim



“Have you the BRAIN WORMS?!” –Zim



“Hello friends! I am a perfectly normal human worm baby. You have nothing, absolutely nothing to fear from me. Just pay no attention to me and we’ll get along just fine.” -Zim



“Computer! Take me to the weasels!” –Zim



“Yes… So very alive. And full of goo. Mission goo.” –Zim



“Insolent fool boy! It’s a skin condition.” -Zim



“In the event of say a full scale invasion, how prepared would you say this planet’s defenses would be?” -Zim



“Squealy Fools! These human flithies should be honored to be considered as possible friends of Zim.” –Zim



“How amazingly you can fall into a puddle?” -Zim



“One wormhole would have spat you out into a dimension of pure itching. You can’t really tell, but that stuff is really itchy.” –Zim



“You see at the end of this wormhole lies… A ROOM WITH A MOOSE!!!!” –Zim



“Yes, I will bring my parents! And they will be the greatest, most parental parents of all!” –Zim



“I feel good about how today went.” –Zim



"Why am I so AMAZING?!"-Zim



Zim: Oh, I quit when I found out about this.

Purple Tallest: You quit being banished?



Dib: Ms. Bitters? I think a pencil is lodged in my brain. Can I go to the nurse?

Ms. Bitters: How far in your brain?

Dib: Pretty far.



Red Tallest: Oh, now that’s just sad.

Purple Tallest: Could you get any shorter?!

Red Tallest: You’ll be assigned to Blorch, home of the slaughtering rat people.



Zim: Sorry I’m late tallest, I couldn’t find my invitation. You’re lucky I made it at all!

Red Tallest: You weren’t invited at all.



GIR: YAY!

Zim: No, GIR, that’s bad.



Red: We see now you are truly deserving.

Zim: Yes. Yes I am.



Zim: I don’t have time for this Dib! Your world may be in great danger.

Dib: Well, yeah. Your trying to destroy it. Remember?

GIR
Awww, somebody needs a huuug!
I wanna be a mongoose.

Zim
You Must look at me, Pustulio Commands it so!!
I am Zim, Take me to the meat!
If I rule MacMeaty's, I rule the wooooorld!!
I will rule this world with an iron fist. YOU!! obey the fist!
I am a perfectly normal human worm baby.
What if it hurts?!
Have you no brain worms?!?!?
Fools! There is none so worthy as Zim!
Haaaahahahaha! Inferior human organs! OOF! my squidellysplooch!

Dib
No one should be this delicious!

Gaz
Let it be known, that from this day, to the end of the day, vengeance will be mine!
Dib drank the last soda, Dib will pay.
If you want to keep all your limbs, Zim, you will put me down. You will put me down now!
I'm leaving with or without you, Dib, preferably without you.

Professor Membrane
lalala

The almighty Tallest
He's not stupid, he's advaaaaaanced.
Did that scare you, too?

Ms. Bitters
Oh, you poor doomed child.


BILL THE PARANORMAL EXPERT; Hmmmmm... the aliens must be controlling the cow.

Whee!! Jimmy Fallon is today's spotlighty thing....

"Geex Natalie, when is this date going to get good? You didn't make out with me in the back row of Lilo and Stitch, you didn't make out with me at your parent's house with them watching, and you didn't make out with me when I told my doorman 'Hi, this is Natalie Portman from Star Wars, wanna watch us make out'. Geeez....."
"Don't put off 'til tomorow what you can do today: And if you die in your sleep tonight, you spent your last day on earth doing laundry."
"You can't catch ugly, can you?"
"This just in: New York City police have reportedly apprehended the person who let the dogs out."
"An Arizona company is selling a 'scratch-and-sniff' test to screen for Alzheimers disease. Apparently, if you scratch the panel, but forget to sniff, you've got Alzheimers."
"Someone should invent action figures that are lanky and have no superpowers. Then the youth of today might respect people like me."
"A Virginia man is facing drug charges after a state trooper found over $1,000 worth of marijuana in his son's diaper bag. This is either the case of a very bad father, or a wonderful magic baby who poops weed."
"Snoop Dogg is predicting that GM stock will go up with the introduction of his limited-edition Snoop Deville Sedan. Especially since it was named the "Best New Sidizin of the Yizun" by Cizzun and Drizun Magazizzin."
"Daniel's from Canada. The other day, me and Gobi convinced him that American girls really like it when you wear mesh tank tops and quote lines from Billy Joel songs."
"Now that the Taliban is gone, Afghani men are lining up at barber shops and shaving their beards off as a sign of freedom. Unfortunately, most of them are saying, "Make me look like AJ."
"Zyban, the perscription medication designed to help some people quite smoking, is being sued in three countries by people claiming family members who took the drug died suddenly. A spokesperson for the pharmeceutical company said, "Yes, but are they still smoking?"
"An Australian man, Rodd Milner, announced that next March he plans to skydive from 25 miles above the earth reaching speeds over a thousand miles an hour and breaking the sound barrier. And in future news, Rodd Milner is dead."
"On Wenesday, over sixty medical and women's groups told the government that the morning-after contreceptive pill is safe and should be sold in drugstores and supermarkets without a perscription. 'Okay, I need a price check on the whore pills! I got a drunk girl in a prom dress over here, can we hurry up? Price check, whore pills?'"
"We work at Jeffery's. We read Italian Vogue. It's our deal. I don't come to where you work and knock the corndog out of your hand."
"So Ben, what's it like to have people like you?"
"I'm Carson Daly, and I'm completly average in every way."
"I do all my reports on video because I suffer from several as-yet-unamed learning disabilities."
"A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants!"
"A Pennsylvania woman who was convicted for shoplifting has been sentenced to wear a badge reading "convicted shoplifeter". However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading, "I'd rather be stealing."
"Oh, it's the email thats stupid, not you, right?"
"MOVE!"
"They teach this kind of stuff on Blues Clues!"
"L-O-L semicolon parenthesis!"
"You just gotta ask the right questions. Like, in 1981, how many grams of crack did Rick James smoke while making 'Super Freak'?"
"I can't marry you! I just bought a Playstation 2, it's very time consuming!"
"You shut your mouth Roker! You hear me! I mean, I, I got advice from Ali, from Muhammad Ali. Not the Muhammad Ali, a different Muhammad Ali, he's a cab driver. And he gave me advice and he told me to KICK SOME ASS!"
"When people say, 'That's very interesting' they really mean 'What you just said is so boring that I don't even want to add a little information of my own to it. I'd rather just classify it as 'intersting' and not be associated with it at all.'" (From him and his sister's book=I Hate This Place: A Pessimist's Guide To Life)
"When people say, 'Oh can you hold on for a minute? I have another call.' they really mean 'Thank God for the mute button, I'll just say it's my aunt calling long distance'" (From I Hate This Place:A Pessimists Guide To Life)

Whoooo!! **waves a finger around, no not the finger. a finger!**
Since All Things Rock is such a kick ass show, that is the spotlight thingy for today!! WOO HOOO!!

Joel: My name is Joel. This is Benji, my brother.
Benji: I hate you. and I LOVE you!!

Benji: This next video is Blink 182's 'First Date'... Joel's still yet to have one." WITH ME!!

Benji: Joel needed some anatomy lessons. I'LL HELP!! uh, ew, I just realized what I'd be helping him with....
Joel: that's right.
Benji: He was all twisted up...couldn't figure some things out.
Joel: ...that's right...

Benji: (introducing lifestyles video) I feel like such an asshole for introducing our video.
Joel: Benji, you are an asshole.

Benji: all right, well I think Joel gets a little sweaty and nervous when you talk to him....

Joel: Heyyy...I can't think of a better place to be than hanging out on a college campus listening to tunes and watching rock vid--
Benji: Tunes!?!?!??
Joel: yeah, you know, like songs from Default.
Benji: We never use the word 'tunes'!!! Rule number 4!
Joel: ...ok....

Benji: Joel gets intimidated easily
Joel: ...that's right.

Joel: *doesn't know he's on camera* Dude!!! shut up!

Benji: Joel fell off stage. He tripped. and Benji did not fall off his square.
Joel: ...this is the new vid--
Benji: It's his new most embarassing moment. EVER.
Joel: Shut up...no, YOU"RE my most embarassing moment ever....

Joel: (talking about 2003 grammy nominations) We were nominated for a grammy.
Benji: Yeah we were, but we said no.
Joel: Keep your grammy
Benji: yeah, shove that grammy.....up your ass.

Joel: Could it be anymore obvious that he was reading from a cue card!? He's like this the whole time, *looks back and forth from the cue card to the camera and mocks benji*, "UH, RECENTLY..."

Joel: Welcome to All Things Rock, I'm Joel.
Benji: And I'm Benji...
Joel: yeah...unfortunately....

Joel: Go to mtv.com and tell us what you think of the show.
Benji: And what you think of Joel, and if he should really be on this show.
Joel: That's right

Benji: I like dark videos. I got Frankenstein on my shirt.
Joel: *confused because Benji is random* Randomness is good.

Benji: I started buying records kinda late. I got Nirvana's "nevermind", Rancid's first record, Joel got MC Hammer
Joel: *shrugs* Can't lie.. I made my parent's buy me CDs until sixth grade. And, still, then, I bought The Return of Saturn by No Doubt, which was released a year earlier...

Joel: I really love Dashboard, if you odn't have the cd you should really check it out.
Benji: Joel listens to it and just cries, and sobs.....tears of heartbreak. I cried when my mom wouldn't by me a bass guitar... listened to Moving On and just let it all out...

Joel: We're in a band called Good Charlotte. And I'm in a band currently called Stars and Spikes.
Benji: Yes. Joel likes to mention that every time.
Joel: *acts stupid to distract Benji*
Benji: dude, get serious. You're gonna get us fired!

Benji: Hey, welcome back to All Things Rock, we're from the band Good Charlotte. THERE JOEL!!! I said it!!!!
Joel: Thank you!

Joel: I think if they had a California music award for the show hosts, we'd win.
Benji: True! We're really good. Well, let's check out the video, and while the video is playing we can talk about how good we are amongst ourselves. That's sad.

Post: Dear Benji and Joel, you guys are always fighting and I think since you're brothers, you guys should hug just once.
Joel: No. Sorry, no.
Benji: Yeah. Joel has this thing where he doesn't touch people and he washes his hands a lot. Gwen hates germs. That's why she doesn't go crowd surfing, she doesn't want to catch her fans' germs.

Benji: (reading post) Some nice person decided to post a little poll on who should get fired, me or Joel. A little contest of something.
Joel: This should be funny.
Benji: Yeah... Well, 1% says that Joel should get fired...
Joel: Ha ha ha...
Benji: 1% says that I should get fired. That's 2%. The other 98% of people say that we should both get fired, that we suck, we don't know what we're doing, we don't belong on MTV, we're no good... We look bad...
Joel: OK, OK!!

Benji: "Bonjour biatch! Au revoir biatch!"

Benji: "Does it piss you off? That men are better than women!?" Benji needs his meds. He seems to think men are better then women...

Benji: (talking about No Doubt's video game) I’m buying that one.
Joel: I got Play Station 2 (points at Benji), he’s got X-Box.
Benji: Billy and Paul bought me X-Box. I think they just got it so they could play with it though.
Joel: Yeah. Thanks guys, Billy and Paul. We love you guys. Anyways...

Benji: (reading post) Do you guys read actual posts or do the writers give you something?' ...Do you think that we're puppets? I don't make this stuff. Some kids wrote these things on the message boards.
Joel: This show can't afford writers.
Benji: Do you think I write these? Here, listen. 'Benji is hot.' 'Benji is god.' 'ATR rocks.' 'Benji is cool.' I don't think I write these. We are not puppets!
Joel: No more posts for you. (snatches posts from Benji)

Benji: C'mon Joel, who's tougher?
Joel: Okay, he is. No, wait, actually we have this dog named Cash.
Benji: Yeah, Cash.

Joel: Go to MTV All Things Rock message board.
Benji: and tell me how great I am!

Benji: *reading post* PS. Benji is a better host than Joel.

Joel: Welcome back to All Things Rock, I'm Joel and this is Benji.
Benji: Yes, I am Benji....but I am also the giver of information!

Benji: Welcome back to the best show on MTV, and we are the best hosts!
Joel: You're very confident...
Benji: Yes! I am the best.

Joel: Hey, you're watching All Things Rock and I'm one half of your hosts, Joel.
Benji: Yes, and I am the better half, Benji.

Benji: You know, personally, I haven't had any problems with being married and being on tour.
Joel: You're not married.
Benji: ...oh.
Joel: You never will be married.

Benji: *talking about buying a cd* you can go to your local Target store
Joel: Tar-jayyy
Benji: Yes, I used to work at Target. Uhhh, long story, I got fired for painting a tuxedo on my naked body at a company function...the punch spilled, it was a mess.
Joel: bad story....
Benji: bad story!

Chad (New Found Glory): All things ROCK! All things ROCK!!! *picks up rocks and starts throwing them at Joel* This is sad too...

Benji: I sorta feel like when people compare me to Joel, even though he's my twin, it's like kicking me in the face and then punching me again.
Joel: Well, when people compare me to you it's like....
Benji: *interrupts* Let's play the next video.
Joel: *makes face because he can't think of anything*

Benji: I'm Benji, this is my brother Joel, and you're watching my show. *starts to read post*
Joel: why don't you just go ahead and read this it since you're running things right now..since you dont' do anything else.
Benji: Thank you, my brother, for finally recognizing!

Benji: I found a shocking one
Joel: it IS a shocking one...
Benji: "First of all,I want to say that those wannabe punk rockers from Good Charlotte are the worst hosts I've ever laid my eyes on." *Joel looks at paper and makes a shocked face* "I don't think that they should be able to be on TV in the first place. Why don't MTV just find any bum off the street and give them a job to host a crappy rock show?"
Joel: *silent pause* Well, my mom always told me there would be haters, just keep doing your thing. Not everyone can love ya.
Benji: I...I don't even know what to say.
Joel: I wouldn't get a bum off the street though. You guys remember Jesse Camp?
Benji: You couldn't understand a word he was sayin'
joel: You couldn't understand "Ahyyahhayyhaah Jesse Camp?" And anyway, if hobos were on the show, they can't read the cue cards. If they Weren't illiterate, why would they be hobos?

Benji: Hey kids, do not change that channel or I will kill you!
*Joel is lauging and shaking his head*
Joel: NO, it's alright, he's not going to kill you. He couldn't kill anything.
*Benji just stares at him*

Joel: I'm...I'm Joel and this is Benji
Benji: I'm...I'm Joel and this is Benji
Joel: *keeps talking*
Benji: *shrugs* I thought it was funny.
Joel: that's right....it wasn't funny. He's never funny *goes back to talking*
Benji: *makes funny face and starts doing the "robot"*

Joel: And don't forget...
Benji: ...to give me lots of compliments!
Joel: Give him lots of compliments...he NEEDS them.
Benji: *nods in agreement*

Benji: They're going to be in L.A.
Joel: *stunned look on his face* LOS ANGELESSSSSS?????
Benji: yes...
Joel: HOLLYWOOD!?

Joel: We're standing here on this mosaic--
Benji: I made a mosaic in fifth grade out of noodles...
Joel: --very famous.... that's niiiice Benj.

Benji: This is All Things Rock and I'm Benji, and this is MY show!!! ohhh yeah, and this is my little helper Joel.

Benji: *after reading post* We sit on plastic boxes. And in order to make them look cool, they have lights in them, and they get pretty HOT!
Joel: It's like a fire under your ass!

Benji: *reading post* "I agree, they should play some 'Motivation Station.' It's not a Benji and Joel show without GC videos." *laughs* What's a 'Motivation Station?'
Joel: I don't know...
Benji: I don't know either, but that's the new term kids. That's the cool thing to say!
Joel: right!
Benji: MTV's the Motivation Station!

Benji: Ther have been a lot of problems with people downloading the new Dave Matthews Band CD...so stop it Joel!

Joel: and we'll have a video from--
Benj: bu--
Joel: umm, we'll have billy--
Benji: bu--
Joel: and paul on the show tonight, and--
Benji: bu--
Joel: dude! stop doing that I'm trying to talk about--
Benji: bu--
Joel: *puts his fist in Benji's face* SHHH!!!

Benji: Hey kids, dont' go anywhere 'cuz when we get back, we've got more videos for you...AND Joel and I are gonna have a fist fight!!! *looks at Joel*
Joel: * shakes his head* **reluctantly** stick around...

Benji: All that matters is Fame and Money! and Joel...
Joel: *shakes his head* Shut up, OK? Enough, alright!?
Benji: *softly* ....alright.

Benji: Welcome back to All Things Rock. I'm Benji and this is MY show, and Joel's just hanging out. Nice to have you here Joel! *pats him on the back*
Joel: *shakes his head* Thanks...

Benji: Look at this post I found. "Benji has good hair. Benji has cool pants. Benji is greatttt. Benji is..benjiful." Look, I have my own adjective!
Joel: Okay, and for the next video...
Benji: *still rambling* I'm going to relish in all my Benjiness...

Benji: Have you seen Kid Rock's new beer commercial?
Joel: No.
Benji: It made me want to drink soda...
Joel: *stares blankly*
Benji: Was that funny?
Joel: No.

Joel: ...and this is from their '97 album, Nimrod.
Benji: Whoa! That's the year I graduated high school!
Joel: Yes it is.
Benji: *looks at camera* See, I told you guys I graduated!

Benji: Hey! You're watching All Things Rock, which is my show, and I'm Benji *looks at Joel* Aren't you glad I let you hang out sometimes?

Joel: So watch the VMA's, hosted by Jimmy Fallon.
Benji: My friend
Joel: You've never met him, you don't know him, he's not your friend.
Benji: Then that's my award.
Joel: No, it's not.

Benji: He's got these fake tattoos. I don't know if I'm down with that. Ya see, these aren't real.
Joel: Yeah, but he could....
Benji: Kick my ass? Yeah, I'm sure he could. (talking about Vin Diesel)

Benji: Change the channel and die. *smiles*

Joel: Hey, everyone, welcome back. I'm Joel and this is my brother Benji.
Benji: Yes, the rumors are true...we ARE related!

Joel: The guys in Chevelle say they're having second thoughts about their name, which was taken from the classic Chevy muscle car, the Chevy Chevelle, which I really love.
Benji: I like the Chevelle.
Joel: Now why would you question a name like Chevelle?
Benji: I don't know. Why?
Joel: A cool name like Chevelle, when it could be worse. You could have a band named after a children's book about a little girl. A book you never even read. A book like Good Charlotte. And then you have to answer all these questions about why, what's the significance of your name, when you really don't know, you were just fifteen and you named the band. And now you're bigger...
Benji: And you got a mohawk and tattoos and you're named after a little girl. It could be worse guys, Chevelle's an okay name.
Joel: Don't cry about it. It's all good.


Benji: *talking about the lead singer of the White Stripes* He says he doesn't have any ASSperations to become a big movie star.
Joel: He doesn't have any ASSperations?
Benji: No...*continues talking* I've got ASSperations.
Joel: You do???
Benji: of being like, one of those guys in the civil war movies that dies, like right away.

Joel: We're doing this spankin' new style this week.
Benji: 'Spankin' new style'???
Joel: Spankin' new, yo.
Benji: Word.
Joel: Word. So, anyway, we're here with--
Benji: Wait a minute, your'e not making fun of hip hop are you?
Joel: No...NO!!!
Benji: Good, 'cause I'll break you like a fool.

Joel: *talking about some video director*
Benji: He also directed Christina Aguliera's video for "Dirrty" The best video in the history of videos ever!!!...EVER!!!

Benji: You probably shouldn't punch the floor on stage while you're angry...*points to Joel* You should punch your brother, that's what brothers are for, you should hit your brother.
Joel: Well, I'm speechless...

*talking to the Halo Friendlies about bowling*
Benji: Do you like heavy balls?
Natalie: Medium...balls.
Joel: You know, kids, it's important when you bowl to use the right size balls. Ya know, the balls are really the most important part of the game.
Benji: Balls are important aren't they?
Natalie: They're very important....in the game.

Benji: They said the track was written about the overwhelming temptations of stardom.
Joel: I know I get overwhelmed.
Benji: You're not a star.
Joel: Oh, yeah....

Benji: *stops talking and listens to announcer in bowling alley* They just called for the ball boy, Joel
Joel: Gotta go! *walks off set*

Benji: *talking about his equipment* ...which you probably can't see 'cause of a lot of stains from fruits and tomatoes and other various items thrown at me while I'm on stage...
Joel: People hate you.
Benji:...small children...midget parts...
Joel: People must really hate you.
Benji: I'm not a very loved man in this country am I?

Joel: I hope they play at my wedding.
Benji: They wont Joel, you'll never get married

Benji: Oh no! One of my spikes is falling! Hair people, I need gel pronto!!

Benji: ....and we actually met Hoobastank a few weeks ago we played the Ace Festival in D.C with them and i wanted to talk to the lead singer, and he would just run away, he looked scared and at the end of the night i cornered him and i said "Why are you always running away, man??"
Joel: It's a BAD joke, I'm really sorry about that, kid's out there, sorry about him..i apologize
Benji: Hey I came up with that all by myself
Joel: Anyways..these guys Hoobstank...
Benji: Running away..running away..
Joel: all right, give it up, quiet. anyways these guys hoobastank....

Joel: The Hives are gaining a great fan following in Australia and...
Benji: The Hives? Australia? Dude, The Hives are from Sweden.
Joel: The Hives? *has a confused look on his face*
Benji: They're From Sweden!

Benji: (talking about people requesting a song a lot) Which means Joel here has been spending a lot of time on his laptop. A-HA! (total fake laugh)
Joel: Shut up.

Benji: (responding to a post) I just want to say that if I was on the message board, if I do post, my name would be a lot cooler than All Things Benji. Sorry, its not me.
Joel: Once again, people are surfing the net on someone else's......
Benji and Joel: Someone else's surfboard. (both look at each other and laugh....total twin moment)

Joel: Well my grandmother is a big fan of Good Charlotte. We're for the grannies.
Benji: My grandma watches the show so Hi Grandma! I e-mail with her.
Joel: Hi Grandma, We love you!!! *both wave*
Joel: Let's dedicate the next video to our grandma.

Joel: (speaking to the band Quarashi) Do you guys ever get tired of Benj trying to sleep on your bus?
Quarashi: Sometimes
Joel: It gets old, I know, I have to be on the bus with him.
Benji: Hey! What can I say? I'm a fan.

Joel: We'll still be on the Warped Tour.
Benji: Still having not showered for weeks.
Joel: Weeks on end.
Benji: *lifts up his arm and stiffs his armpit, makes a disgusted face*

Benji: *in valley girl voice* The last video of the night comes from the White Stripes and I think it's rally good!
Joel: Cool...umm *laughs* yeah..
Benji: You like em too? We listen to it when we drive. It's rally good.

Joel: Well you can go to mtv.com, you can go to the message board there..
Benji: Don't forget to do that.
Joel: OR you could go to goodcharlotte.com, there's a message board there too!
Benji: Hey GC kids. *waves*

Joel: Every band dreams of that....I know our band does; we have a platinum record!
Benji: We've got platinum teeth man, sup wit that?!

Benji: *reading a post* We also agree that Benji is the best host.
Joel: *actually believes it says that and looks at paper*

Benji: You know, if one kid bought a record for every one kid that said I suck..that'd be a lot of platinum records, man!

Benji: Yes, it's the greatest one hour of tv you'll ever see!

Joel: Go to the MTV All Things Rock message board.
Benji: And tell me how great I am!

Benji: Graffiti's good kids. Get out there!

Benji: Well, let's take a look at Papa Roach's She Loves Me Not, and Joel...please don't sing along.
Joel: WORD!

(All Things Rock with New Found Glory)
Joel: I told you we knew NFG! I told you!
Benji: We weren't lying.
Chad: See this is what its all about...*shakes Joel's hand and gives Benji a hug, Chad's about a foot taller than Benji, he looks like a little boy hugging his dad*

Benji: This next video reminds me of my brother Joel.... he used to walk around the house all the time.... always rockin the short shorts.

Benji: I remember when we called Limp Bizkit to produce our video, he never called us back. I auditioned for guitarist, he never called back. I called his mom, he never called back.
Joel: I got a red hat.

Benji: This video was shot in an old theatre... .that's where Joel lives, in a dirty old theatre....Get outta here kids!

Benji: Up next we've got a video from Andrew W.K. You know, the mystery surrounding Andrew W.K. is what does the 'W.K.' stand for?
Joel: Everyone wants to know.
Benji: Who knows?
Joel: Who cares?
Benji: Where's Korn?
Joel: What kind of name is it?
Benji: William.....K.....*thinks about it* .....k...k!
Joel: Who knows? Well, you know what? It actually doesn't stand for any of those. It actually just stands for Wilkes Krier. That's his last name.
Benji: Sorry to disappoint you, but if you want to come up with your own little meaning, go ahead, go ahead, I'm sure we'll see it on the All Things Rock message board....

Joel: (reading post) This post comes from GCChick20.
Benji: Joel's old screen name!
Benji: Before we get into the next video, Joel here's going to read a post from the All Things Rock message board.
Joel: That's right, this post is coming from lilbubbles009. Good, good screen name, I really like it.
Benji: Yeah, it's great.
Joel: This is questions for boys, so all you boys out there listen up and you can answer along. I'm going to read these to Benj and he's going to answer. So, uh, number one. Why don't boys like girls with glasses?
Benji: Can't see well.
Joel: Uh, why don't boys like girls who are short?
Benji: Not tall enough.
Joel: Uh, what about girls who are quiet?
Benji: Can't hear 'em.
Joel: If you had to be stranded on a deserted island for the rest of your life, would you take a Playboy Playmate or the Time Magazine Woman of the Year?
Benji: Neither, I'd take a guy named Joe.
Joel: (both smirk) Piercings or no?
Benji: Uh...yeah, sure.
Joel: Hoochie or punk?
Benji: Um, hoochie. No, punk. No, hoochie? Hoochie? No, punk. *has an undecided look on his face*
Joel: Well, there you go, there you go, there you go lilbubble, I hope that answered all your questions.....

**OH MY GOD!! WHEN PLAYED IN ACOUSTICS NO ONE KNOWS IS SO FRICKING COOL!!!!!!!!!!!**